Friday. Not Black.

I've always felt out of sync with what the rest of the world is doing.  Caused me some angst when I was younger, but as an adult I have made my piece.  For the most part, I just do not get American culture, in terms of fads and "what everyone else is doing". 

And so, here, once again "THE HOLIDAYS" are upon us.  And, I have come to a few realizations about what this whole time of year means to me.

1.  I am really in tune with the earth at this time of year.  Perhaps it is because I am a winter baby, born at the end of December.  Anyway, for me, this next month is a time of going within.  Not in a "omg.I.am.so depressed, don't want to get out of bed" kind of way, but in a "leave me alone I want to just go within and be still and listen and be" kind of way.  Let me tell you - it is difficult to achieve that when all around me is the frenzy of "buy, buy, buy".  When did the holidays become something that causes so much stress and business?

**Let me insert a disclaimer here.  I am not judging.  If you are someone who gets up at the asscrack of dawn to indulge in Black Friday and shops til you drop and loves to buy lots of presents, well bless your little heart.  All I can say is I hope you are kind to the poor underpaid retail staff who have to work.**

2.  I really do love Christmas.  I love the lights.  I love the story of the birth of Jesus,  even though I respect it for what it is - a story, be it real or not - but this is really what the Christmas holiday is all about and to me, it is enchanting.  As a kid we had this homemade manger - it had tree bark on it even!  And every year we would set it up on the buffet thing in the dining room (long piece of furniture) and I would get to place all the animals and wise men and Mary and Joseph and Baby Jesus any way I liked.  The manger had a loft and a ladder and I would put straw up there for them to sleep, and lots of straw in the manger.  It had a light socket for a colored bulb and I would change the color every few days.  Let me tell you this, I loved this more, and got more entertainment out if this than any Barbie playhouse piece of plastic. 

3.  So even though I am not even remotely Christian, for me the holidays are about this story.  I love when neighbors put up mangers.  It saddens me when towns can't do this anymore because they are vandalized. 

4.  If people want to have a 2 month long period of time that is all about shopping and buying things, go for it.  But do you have to call it Christmas?  Especially w hen it is a faux pas to say Merry Christmas anymore?  (Which for the record, I have decide this year I will no longer say "Happy Holidays".  If you are Jewish, go ahead and which me a Happy Hanukkah.  If you are African. a Happy Quanza)
 If you are offended - oh well!

5.  I am going to enjoy the next month.  As the light continues to dwindle, and my energy levels are tuned into that, I am going to cocoon every chance that I get.  On the solstice, the light returns.  I will spend a week thinking about my intentions and goals for the coming year - the energy is returning and growing and it is time to plant the seeds. 

6.  It feels good to be different from the "norm".

7.  Merry Christmas!

Friends

Hi Blog!

It's been a loooong time.  Life must be going well, because I tend to only write when it isn't.  And yet, I have so much on my mind - not bad, not good - just thoughts that need a place to be expressed.  

I wanted to write last night, but I am sick and I ran out of energy,  Getting an early start tonight.  

So friends have been on my mind this week.  I spent an amazingly fun weekend this past one with 4 other friends in Ogunquit.  Let me preface this by saying, I am generally not all that comfortable traveling in groups.  I have my control issues, and I need to be able to do what I want, even if it's not what the group wants to do.  And that has often caused problems, because others have expectations that I should just be going along with things.  (But I do what I want anyway).  

So I hadn't been away with a group in quite some time, and I decided to be open to just doing whatever everyone wanted to do.  Well.  it all worked out great.  And the bonus?  So everyone but me was an early to bed, early to rise kind of gal - SO not me.  And the great thing was that I didn't get all pissy when they were ready to call it a night, and they didn't get all pissy when I chose to stay out late on my own.  I like to call that a win/win situation.  

Now I know to some of you, this is not a big deal. You are sitting there going, "yeah, so"?  But it is, because it got me to thinking about the quality of people I allow into my life.  This is not to say that I think I am better than anyone (ok maybe sometimes), but I don't mean it in a judgmental way.  I mean it in a "what are you bringing to the table" kind of way.  I have too often in my life found myself in circles of people who are all about drama and dysfunction.  I have worked hard to overcome that and just say no to it.  And so, it was a BIG DEAL to find myself with a group of friends who are so like minded!  Wow!  It only goes to show that the universe listens and brings us what we ask for.  

So.  Now I find myself struggling with a couple of friendships that are just not working.  All I can really do is let go and hope they sort themselves out.  And that makes me sad.  But, I have arrived at a place in my life where I know it is not all up to me to make a friendship work, it is a 2 way street.  I've said this  before - we put our time, attention and energy into the things that matter the most.  Truly we do.  And that is how it should be.  And, I have to be honest here.  I have not put my share of time and attention into one particular friendship.  So, where does that  leave things if neither party are just not all that into it?  I guess all I can do is just wait and see.

I'm not convinced that I am a great friend.  I think I missed a few social skills along the way.  I try, but now and then I come up short.  

Anyway,.  Life is good.  It has been for some time, and for this I am grateful.  I have amazing people in my life.  I have a good job. I have a great place to live.  I am in good health.  I have a terrific family.  If there was one thing I would change it would be to just slow things down.  There is so much I want to do and I just want to savor every moment and not be rushing from one thing to the next.  Oh and maybe I would also like to be a better housekeeper.  I used to be practically anal about keeping the house clean.  What happened?

Family

Mine.is.awesome.  And today, it just got WAY bigger!!  My brother, who I absolutely love unconditionally, got married today.  It was the most real, beautiful, full of love from all gathered ceremony I have ever had the privilege to attend.  Some other time I will post about how awesome my brother is. 

So a few months ago, when he told me they were getting married, I was not on board. At all.  I thought it was too soon.  His last marriage did not end well, and I guess I am a bit of a mother cub when it comes to him, but I was not going to let someone else come along and take advantage of him.  The beauty of our relationship is that I could air my concerns, and he listened.  And told me that he heard me.  And really loved this woman.  And don't get me wrong - I had met her, and she was sweet, and nice, and fun - but you want to marry my brother?  Really?  Well, you gotta prove yourself woman!

Now, I don't know this for fact, but I suspect my brother shared it all with his now wife, because that is just who he is, and were the tables turned, I would too.

The first time I went to my brother's house after she moved in, I will say, I was well, a little anxious. All these people had moved into what I considered my family home - and I was I admit, scared, that it just wouldn't be the same, and I was going to lose my safe haven.  My issues.  So I went there, and yup - it just wasn't the same.  IT WAS EVEN BETTER!!!!!  The energy in that home, and the people there, well they were just awesome.  And I felt bad that I had had so many misgivings.  And I patted myself on the back for being open to the possibilities. 

And I realize why.  Because I always wanted a sister.  Really, I did.  And the last person who called me sister, well, she really ripped my heart out.  And I had to deal with that, and put it into perspective.  And separate the "no one is EVER going to take advantage of MY brother again" from who this new woman in his life was.  And I appreciate that she gave me the space to do that, and never took it personally, and has never been anything other than genuine and kind to me.  Exactly what I would want for my brother.  Oh.  Yeah, Melissa, connect the dots.  I have witnessed over the past months how happy my brother is, not because he is in this relationship, but because he is happy with who he is, and she is happy with who she is, and they complement each other. 

I am sending them the link to this.  I am tired.  I am emotional (in a good, no make that GREAT way.)

I am feeling very blessed right now to know the people I call family.  They are a small lot,  But it's quality, not quantity as I like to say.  WE are blessed.  And today, the people I call family have expanded.  I have neices - YAY!!!  

I also got to meet my cousin, who I have know existed since I was 15 (35 years!) and never met - and felt an instant connection with.  And her kids are awesome!  Anyway, my heart is very full, and I am very tired, but in a good way for sure.

It's the only picture I took today.  I just needed to be present and there were plenty of others taking pics which I will share at a later date. 

Today was just perfect.  I am blessed!!!